A Life Arrested

        I don't know when I'm supposed to write my story. I keep waiting for the moment to arise but it just doesn't seem to show up. Or, maybe it has already and I was too distracted by my own dimensions of abstract, obstacles to even notice? If that is the case then I am really screwed. What do I do now? How do I catch up with the moments and opportunities that have already passed me by?         I know that I have a story in me, I just don't know where to start. At the beginning, and how far back do I go? All the way? As far back as I don't want to remember? ...to be fair, I'm not sure if I'm ready to go there yet...this may have to wait some more... Be patient, I tell myself...  I will soon arrive...soon, I will be just where I need to be to get this done.         Every move I make is a move I think everyone else wants me to make. I mean literally. If I shift my body in one directions, somewhere in my subconscious, I think that that is the move thatI

        When do you find your true identity? And where do you start looking? What exactly is the age where you find your true self? Is it okay to still not know who you are at the ripe old, smelly, age of forty years? Will society still have me, will they still let me live among them?          These are the questions that ponder my mind as of late. I reel from their enormity but, what is one to do when one doesn't feel like they have an identity, true, authentic, real or otherwise?

        There are things I wanted to do in my life, places I wanted to be but, sadly, neither of them have come to fruition. I don't understand this life game, I understand the rules. What am I supposed to do? Where am I supposed to be? How do I know if I have accomplished anything that I originally set out to do?         I look at other people and I envy them, I wish I had the strength to do what they do. Have a family, be happy, be successful... What I am most embarrassed about/My shame at this age: -No apartment to speak of. -No family of my own. -No romantic entanglements, good or otherwise. -No prospects. -Too enamoured with celebrities. -Allowed t.v. to raise me, made it my first friend. Probably, the beginning cause of all, if not some, of my problems(what's wrong with me?) Things I need to do: -Stop being afraid of everything worth anything. -Take more risks= in all aspects of my life. -Think positively, as much as possible, especially in the times when t

        I wish I was somebody. I wish I had a secret nobody else knew about and, I wish that when they did find out about it, they would be surprised and say things like "Oh, I never knew she could do that". I wish I was a surprise to someone. ...and not so predictable.         I know this is hubris, and that it speaks to my ego, (of which I, seriously, have none,) but, there are times where, God, help me, these are the things that haunt me and, keep me up in my waking and sleeping hours. Well, some of them anyway. I wish I was more stable than this but, this is what I have to deal with right now... At tis point I really hope I get better and move on to better things, and thoughts..         My days are getting darker. I can feel it, like a tumour taking hold of what's left of me on the inside. If there is a war going on inside of me then, I think it's winning.

        From the very beginning I knew that I never did quite get this life thing right. I just didn't know the rules, you see. And even now in my old-some age I still don't know the rules of how I'm supposed to behave, or be. Everyday I wish there was some kind of book or manual that could tell me the finer points of living. Do this here, say this then, all of this would come in considerably handy when I need it, which is every single day of my existence.         Some days I wonder when my life will start. When will I get my come to Jesus moment and finally get off my ass and get the gumption to just DO SOMETHING?! ...Sadly, that time hasn't happened yet. They say patience is a virtue but..., this is killing me.         With each passing day I feel myself get worse and worse, I lose more and more hope in me, in life, in hope, that anything good will happen to me. It is a sinking, horrible, feeling to behold in a small space as one's (tiny) body.         T

        There are days when I feel positively toxic on the inside. And when I say toxic, I mean my insides feel like they have been swimming in a sludge-like swill for the better part of too long and, are now covered in the thick, black debris of what the rest of the world doesn't want and can do without. I don't know how I get this way. No, that's not true. I get this way when I'm feeling angry. Really angry. And for no particular reason.         I'm ashamed to admit that there are days when I just wake up angry. When every, tiny, little thing gets on my last nerve. The door to my bedroom doesn't open up all the way so when I try to get out it slams back into me, sending a radiating pain shooting through my leg starting from my knee, I try to brush my teeth and find that the last of the toothpaste was used up the day before and someone had forgotten to buy a new tube, I want to wear my favourite shirt only to find that it s still in the wash (again, some