A Life Arrested

        I don't know when I'm supposed to write my story. I keep waiting for the moment to arise but it just doesn't seem to show up. Or, maybe it has already and I was too distracted by my own dimensions of abstract, obstacles to even notice? If that is the case then I am really screwed. What do I do now? How do I catch up with the moments and opportunities that have already passed me by?         I know that I have a story in me, I just don't know where to start. At the beginning, and how far back do I go? All the way? As far back as I don't want to remember? ...to be fair, I'm not sure if I'm ready to go there yet...this may have to wait some more... Be patient, I tell myself...  I will soon arrive...soon, I will be just where I need to be to get this done.         Every move I make is a move I think everyone else wants me to make. I mean literally. If I shift my body in one directions, somewhere in my subconscious,...

        When do you find your true identity? And where do you start looking? What exactly is the age where you find your true self? Is it okay to still not know who you are at the ripe old, smelly, age of forty years? Will society still have me, will they still let me live among them?          These are the questions that ponder my mind as of late. I reel from their enormity but, what is one to do when one doesn't feel like they have an identity, true, authentic, real or otherwise?

        There are things I wanted to do in my life, places I wanted to be but, sadly, neither of them have come to fruition. I don't understand this life game, I understand the rules. What am I supposed to do? Where am I supposed to be? How do I know if I have accomplished anything that I originally set out to do?         I look at other people and I envy them, I wish I had the strength to do what they do. Have a family, be happy, be successful... What I am most embarrassed about/My shame at this age: -No apartment to speak of. -No family of my own. -No romantic entanglements, good or otherwise. -No prospects. -Too enamoured with celebrities. -Allowed t.v. to raise me, made it my first friend. Probably, the beginning cause of all, if not some, of my problems(what's wrong with me?) Things I need to do: -Stop being afraid of everything worth anything. -Take more risks= in all aspects of my life. -Think positively, as much as possible,...

        I wish I was somebody. I wish I had a secret nobody else knew about and, I wish that when they did find out about it, they would be surprised and say things like "Oh, I never knew she could do that". I wish I was a surprise to someone. ...and not so predictable.         I know this is hubris, and that it speaks to my ego, (of which I, seriously, have none,) but, there are times where, God, help me, these are the things that haunt me and, keep me up in my waking and sleeping hours. Well, some of them anyway. I wish I was more stable than this but, this is what I have to deal with right now... At tis point I really hope I get better and move on to better things, and thoughts..         My days are getting darker. I can feel it, like a tumour taking hold of what's left of me on the inside. If there is a war going on inside of me then, I think it's winning.