Toxic In, Toxic Out
There are days when I feel positively toxic on the inside.
And when I say toxic, I mean my insides feel like they have been swimming in a sludge-like swill for the better part of too long and, are now covered in the thick, black debris of what the rest of the world doesn't want and can do without.
I don't know how I get this way.
No, that's not true.
I get this way when I'm feeling angry. Really angry.
And for no particular reason.
I'm ashamed to admit that there are days when I just wake up angry. When every, tiny, little thing gets on my last nerve. The door to my bedroom doesn't open up all the way so when I try to get out it slams back into me, sending a radiating pain shooting through my leg starting from my knee, I try to brush my teeth and find that the last of the toothpaste was used up the day before and someone had forgotten to buy a new tube, I want to wear my favourite shirt only to find that it s still in the wash (again, someone was supposed to do the laundry). When I finally get out of the apartment, I find that to catch my bus, which is waay too early, I have to run for it, across the ice, or slick, wet snow, and when I do my bus slows down just enough to let me catch up to it then leaves me anyway!
For the rest of my day I feel like a sickness has attached itself to me, clinging to my skin and insides like a bad smell.
It's like eating a bad meal that just never really settle in your stomach.
This is not how I want my soul to feel, all black and dark with no light inside, like some hotbed of Hell that even Dante, himself, would be afraid to enter.
But, when I get this way, I feel like I have no control over how to change it. I feel like my emotions have taken over and are running the show.
How do I go about fixing this?
How do I change the way I feel if I'm already in the middle of it?
Do I start with my perspective? Change my views on the world around me? Maybe do some yoga before I leave the apartment? Meditate?
It may all just come down to strength on my part. Strength to fight my way through the turmoil, the sludge, the viscous, turbulence, to the other side.
I fear (words that probably sparked the beginning of every one of my problems), the next set of quicksand that I come across or find myself in will likely be the test that either saves me or swallows me whole.
I, for one, will be interested to see how my mettle fares up against this new task....
And when I say toxic, I mean my insides feel like they have been swimming in a sludge-like swill for the better part of too long and, are now covered in the thick, black debris of what the rest of the world doesn't want and can do without.
I don't know how I get this way.
No, that's not true.
I get this way when I'm feeling angry. Really angry.
And for no particular reason.
I'm ashamed to admit that there are days when I just wake up angry. When every, tiny, little thing gets on my last nerve. The door to my bedroom doesn't open up all the way so when I try to get out it slams back into me, sending a radiating pain shooting through my leg starting from my knee, I try to brush my teeth and find that the last of the toothpaste was used up the day before and someone had forgotten to buy a new tube, I want to wear my favourite shirt only to find that it s still in the wash (again, someone was supposed to do the laundry). When I finally get out of the apartment, I find that to catch my bus, which is waay too early, I have to run for it, across the ice, or slick, wet snow, and when I do my bus slows down just enough to let me catch up to it then leaves me anyway!
For the rest of my day I feel like a sickness has attached itself to me, clinging to my skin and insides like a bad smell.
It's like eating a bad meal that just never really settle in your stomach.
This is not how I want my soul to feel, all black and dark with no light inside, like some hotbed of Hell that even Dante, himself, would be afraid to enter.
But, when I get this way, I feel like I have no control over how to change it. I feel like my emotions have taken over and are running the show.
How do I go about fixing this?
How do I change the way I feel if I'm already in the middle of it?
Do I start with my perspective? Change my views on the world around me? Maybe do some yoga before I leave the apartment? Meditate?
It may all just come down to strength on my part. Strength to fight my way through the turmoil, the sludge, the viscous, turbulence, to the other side.
I fear (words that probably sparked the beginning of every one of my problems), the next set of quicksand that I come across or find myself in will likely be the test that either saves me or swallows me whole.
I, for one, will be interested to see how my mettle fares up against this new task....
Comments
Post a Comment